Safety & Prevention

Sexual Violence & Grooming Signs

Sexual Violence can happen suddenly, without warning or explanation, by a stranger or through an acquaintance or a longer-term relationship that can involve grooming. The act of sexual violence often begins before the physical act of sexual assault!

Grooming is part of sexual violence.

Grooming happens when someone is manipulated into being isolated from family and friends to the point that they depend on the groomer, making them vulnerable to exploitation. For example, for an adult, this could be emotional support or help with bills; for a parent, it could be help with babysitting or spending time with your child alone; for a child, it could be emotional or financial support like having someone to talk to and being heard or receiving gifts.

Grooming takes advantage of a person’s natural tendency to give the benefit of the doubt and to believe that the groomer is acting with the best intentions. This often leads to misinterpretation of grooming behaviours as signs of a healthy relationship.

If you are in a situation where something does not feel right, it is important to trust your gut instinct and to know that, if you have been groomed, it is not your fault.

Grooming can happen in a variety of situations:

Grooming commonly involves the following:

Building a relationship with someone to exploit them.
Using trust to control, isolate and abuse another emotionally, physically, and sexually.
Groomers often come across as charming, helpful, and kind at first.
It can be easy to trust groomers and lower your guard.
Often there is a use of threats, violence, or other coercion to force you into sexual activity you don’t want.
Use of gaslighting, causing you to question your own thoughts and perceptions of reality or memory leading to confusion, loss of self-confidence, and self-esteem, becoming uncertain of one’s emotions and creates a dependency on that person.
Pushing your limits of consent by trying to find loopholes in your boundaries or by trying to find out how strong your boundaries are.
Groomers often target underage children or vulnerable teenagers and adults.

Groomers can be strangers, family members, friends, classmates, co-workers, coaches, or other prominent people in a community.

(Source: RAINN rainn.org)

Stages of Grooming

Most groomers use a pattern of behaviour. In most situations, grooming happens overtime and there can be red flags along the way.

Victim selection—observing people and looking for vulnerabilities.
Gaining access to victims—trying to become your friend by striking casual conversation.
Building trust—showering with praises, wanting to spend one-on-one time, giving you gifts and attention, sharing secrets to make you feel special.
Isolation—trying to separate you from your friends and family, trying to be your one true friend or your go-to person.
Normalize abusive behaviour and desensitize sexual touch—can start with hugs, wrestling, or tickling, can involve substances or porn, and involve sexual photos or videos to be shared with them.
Maintaining control—using closeness to manipulate you, use demands or blackmail for sexual favours, or use physical violence to get their needs met.

It is important to keep in mind that grooming is not always obvious. People engaging in grooming behaviour work hard to gain the trust and respect of children and families. So make sure to always trust your instincts if something does not feel right. It is always a good idea to keep your child or the child you are caring for away from anyone you are concerned about until you find out more.

(Source: RAINN rainn.org)

Grooming For Human Trafficking

Grooming can be a way to recruit others for purposes of trafficking and to force people into unwanted sexual acts. Some possible signs of grooming for trafficking include:

Someone suddenly having access to expensive gifts or cash
Changes in behaviours or attitude
Suddenly hanging out with new friends or social circles, and cutting off older friendships
Becoming detached from family members, usual friends, and interests

(Source: RAINN rainn.org)

Tips for Keeping Safe

Taking the time to learn simple strategies for keeping safe can help empower you and your children by providing the confidence and resilience needed to stay safe in a wide range of different situations. It is important to know that it is never too early to start teaching your children about personal safety and that they can start learning about staying safe as young as age three.

Use Tools

Carry your key fob when walking out to your car
Call someone and stay on the phone with them when walking alone
Ensure you always have enough gas in your car

Stay Connected

Communicate your ETA or outing plan with your household members
Share your location with people you trust
Avoid oversharing on social media or with strangers
Ask a store employee or security guard to walk you to your car

Trust Your Feelings

Say “no” if you feel unsafe or unsure
If you feel unsafe or unsure, run and tell someone you trust
No matter how bad you think it is, you can always tell a safe person

Prevention Of Sexual Violence In Relationships

Be an active partner in relationships. What to do and when to be intimate should be a shared decision.
Know your sexual intentions and limits and clearly communicate them trying to avoid mixed messages. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO! Back up your words with a firm tone of voice and clear body language.
LISTEN TO YOUR GUT FEELING! Don’t let others convince you to feel differently.
KEEP CONNECTED TO OTHERS! Avoid isolating yourself in relationships.
REACH OUT FOR SUPPORT! There are many programs like the Mid-Island Sexual Assault Service program to assist you.

Remain Aware

Survey the scene
Always leave one headphone out
Park in well-lit areas
Check the backseat of your car/under your car
Never leave your drink unattended when at a bar or restaurant

Remain Present

Be aware of your posture in public
Make eye contact when walking past people
Verbally greet strangers
Use the buddy system
Pay attention to how much you are drinking and with who

Stay Educated

Have ongoing conversations with your kids about boundaries and their bodies
Talk about healthy touch and unhealthy touch
Talk about consent
Educate yourself about typical and non-typical sexual behaviour in children
Talk to your kids about sex
Be curious about how your kids’ day went and how they felt about their day

Prevention Of Grooming Against Children And Human Trafficking

Watch out for signs that you or your child is being groomed.
Stop the person from being alone with your child.
Avoid letting the person do favours for your family.
Ask other families who know the person what their relationship with the person is like.
Find out how your child feels about the person by asking questions like “Do you like the way so-and-so acts around you?” or “So-and-so likes a lot of your Instagram posts. Do they follow you on any other social media?”.
Encourage your child to talk to you by asking questions like “Is anything worrying you” or “Are you OK?”.
Pay attention to your instincts.

Video Resources

Consent for Kids

Tea Consent (Clean)

Introduction to Forensic Nursing

A Patient's Journey with a Forensic Nurse

The 3 Medical Forensic Options for Care After Experiencing a Sexual Assault

Forensic Nursing at Island Health

What is Sexual Violence?

Let's Go to Court

Non-Consensual Condom Removal can be Sexual Assault, SCC Rules

#ThatsNotLove Campaign

Video Articles

Children’s Books

Consent (for kids!) Boundaries, Respect and Being in Charge of You by Rachel Brian
Who has What? All about Girls’ Bodies and Boys’ Bodies by Robie H. Harris
My Body is Safe: Tricky People and Safe People by Crystal Hardstaff
My Body is Mine: Body Safety for Kids by Crystal Hardstaff
My Body, My Choice: Teaching Kids Consent by Crystal Hardstaff
Do you have a secret? By Jennifer Moore-Mallinos

Online Resources

Helpful Books

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
A Quick and Easy Guide to Consent by Isabella Rotman
Learning Good Consent: On Healthy Relationships and Survivor Support by Cindy Crabb
Responding to Child Welfare Concerns – Your role and knowing when and what to report by Ministry of Children and Family British Columbia
The Courage to Heal Workbook by Laura Davis
The Assertiveness Workbook by Randy Patterson
Boundaries by Anne Katherine
Boundaries by Dr. Henry Coud and John Townsend
Anger Workbook for Women by Laura Patracek
Self Esteem Workbook by Glenn R.Schraldi
The Ten Things to Do When Your Life Falls Apart by Daphne Rose Kingma
The Living Legacy of Trauma – Workbook for Survivors by Janina Fisher
Total Awareness – A Woman’s Safety Book by Darren and Beth Laur
Understanding Children's Sexual Behaviours - What's Natural and Healthy by Toni Cavanaugh Johnson
When Love Hurts – a woman’s guide to understanding abuse in relationships by Jill Cory and Karen McAndless-Davis
Healing Sexual Trauma Workbook: somatic skills to help you feel safe in your body, create boundaries and live with resilience by Erika Shershun
Healing Trauma by Peter Levine
Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving: A guide and map for recovering from childhood trauma by Pete Walker
The body keeps the score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk
Allies in Healing by Laura Davis
The Better Boundaries Workbook: a CBT- based program to help you set limits, express your needs and create healthy boundaries by Sharon Martin
Trauma-Proofing Your Kids – a Parent’s Guide for Instilling Confidence, Joy and Resilience by Peter A. Levine

It takes courage to seek help.
When you Are ready, We are here.